Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Song for a Crappy Tuesday

It is Monday at 11:25pm.

Tonight I am going to try to make it into the Land of Nod without my Lunesta "Get Out Of Consciousness Free" card. I haven't had any coffee since 3pm, and I 'm trying to lull myself off with some tea.

The other day, after my live blogging experiment, E. asked me what my motivation might be for getting off the junk. Was it related to what others thought, or how I felt after I took it?

It's not so much that others are troubled by my escapades, though I can see why they would be: Half remembered conversations, an endless stream of typing errors, toast and jelly at all hours of the night. This innocuous list could veer into darkness at any second: Half remembered conversations while driving, an endless stream of typing errors at Harrah's, toast and jelly at all hours of the night in the next door neighbor's basement.

It's more the unnatural feelings that accompany me throughout the day. At first, I didn't notice, but after taking the Loony Blue Pill for several nights in a row, the after effects became plain. Upon waking from a series of extremely literal and matter of fact dreams (Why am I standing in this open grave with my name on tomb stone? I think I'll head to my high school gym and let all my dad throw softballs at me.), I'd find I wasn't all that rested...just awake. And as the hours wore on, I'd get the sensation of being far away from myself, looking in on my daily goings on. Everything feels grey and distant, my soul (or whatever that 21 grams is) hovers off to the side with very little interest in helping my body do anything - it just sits on the counter, sticking paper clips on its fingers tips for "long nails". The whole thing is very disconcerting.

But I kept taking it, I think, partly in an effort to "Just not be awake".

That's no good. Especially since I'm working hard on really trying to be awake. Alive. Pay attention.

So, I'm going to have a go at it...I've drunk my tea now and it's time for sleeping.

Perhaps this song will send me off properly...

Sailor - Hem

1 comment:

Erica said...

How did it work? Did you get any rest? How do you feel today?

Man, I haven't thought about the paperclip fingernail thing in ages. Ha--we did that all the time as kids.

Word Verification--"Derie" That's a cute one.

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