Friday, December 5, 2008

KFC is giving you the answer.

The other day I compared existential angst to the act of dining. The basic gist was thinking that we should just get this life over with because we're all headed to the grave anyway, is tantamount to eating food slung on a plate with no care for it's taste or presentation because "Welp, it's all gonna look the same in my stomach."

This sort of Zero Sum dining experience is available for purchase by the public. Chicken, corn, gravy, cheese, and mashed potatoes, all piled in styrofoam container and shoveled into the face pocket. It's the KFC Famous Bowl.

Patton Oswalt does a good bit about eating KFC's "Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl". I, myself have never tasted one. Even before I heard his rant, the KFC Famous Bowl filled me with consternation, so I have avoided it.

I really don't have much of a problem with the product itself. It's the idea that consuming it, fills that open cavity deep inside where no other can touch.

(The quality on this is a little poor...)

Really? Known you forever? Is this what we are KFC? In the marketing meetings and R & D, THIS is what we've come to.

Apparently yes.

On top of it all, I'm troubled that this guy, assuming that he doesn't know about the Famous Bowl already, would venture into a KFC and expose his mild American depression by ordering off the menu.

Imagine if this were a documentary and our protagonist headed for the counter at a KFC. It is unlikely that he would order in such a charming and animated way. He's more likely to half mumble/half groan his way through it as he tugs on the tail of the stained sweatshirt he's been wearing since his girlfriend broke up with him.

And the improbably pert and interested girl behind the counter would not be there. She does not exist in nature.

What ARE these guys talking about? STDs? The tone is so tender and earnest I feel like they are going to launch into a PSA about smoking or puppy adoption.

But as the guys says, "a bowl full of the things she loves." Do you see how happy the bowl makes her? You'll only come in second fiddle, tender PSA guy. She is fulfilled all through her heart and uterus by the chunky food-ish glop in front of her.

Why look for answers in relationships with other people? You'll never find them. At least not that satisfy like a KFC Famous Bowl.

And when the bowl is over and you feel that growing sense of dread and regret, there's always another bowl.Thank you KFC, for sending me off into the weekend with a song in my heart and a skip in my step.

And the faint taste of bile in my throat.


Anonymous said...

ive never seen these commercials before but the idea of the bowls sounds good to me... its the execution that bothers me... on a side note, i know the guy from the first commercial... he was in my class at second city


Mr. B said...

In the fall of 2006, I ate one of these bowls, just to see what all the hullabaloo was about.

The next day at lunch time, I found myself craving it. I had to LITERALLY wean myself off of them. If I'd answered only to my id, I would've had a KFC bowl for lunch every day for the rest of my life.

The thing is, they REALLY DO have everything you want, in a single bowl. Yummy chicken nuggets. Mashed potatoes. Corn. Gravy. Cheese. And at one point, they would jam a biscuit in there like an over-stuffed suitcase and slam a lid on it. When you popped it open, the lovely biscuit would breathe and expand as the conquering food morsel atop Mountain Carbohydrates.

Do I sound like I am fetishizing the KFC bowl? Well, I am. Not because I am a gluttonous man, but because they REALLY ARE fat man's crack. Crack for the fat man.

And like crack, it's best to just avoid it altogether. Once you ride that horse, you never quite get off of it.

A Former KFC Bowl Junkie...

NotNits said...

That cashier in the first commercial is the fast food version of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. "You are sad, and there are no ingredients I won't add to make you happy. Get out of your funk, Grumpy-Head!!!" (swats you playfully on the nose with a spork)

Also, does it bother anyone else that Kentucky Fried Chicken's theme some is "Sweet Home Alabama"?

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