Don't Ef with my food.

Below is a scene written some time ago for my writing group. I sent out an assignment in which the participants had to choose two event and then write the scene that these incidents bookend. The beginning and end lists were the same.

Strangely, the ones having to do with food were the most potent - and violent.I'm not sure what it is about food and violence that seems so natural to me. Sure, we evolved, in part, based on our ability to protect our food stores (sometimes with force), but more an more food can be used to torture or shame. The brutality associated with food, both physical and emotional, is fascinating to me.

As is the brutality of teenagers.


MIKE, 14
PETE, 15

(Two boys, MIKE, 14 and PETE, 15 sit at a lunch table. They sit a few chairs apart. MIKE is considerably smaller than PETE, who is a somewhat scruffy, overdeveloped kid. They sit in the white noise of the cafeteria, a glowering silence between them, munching indistinguishable food.

MIKE watches PETE out of the corner of his eye for a beat.

Quiet between them, punctuated by the occasional group of girls laughing at which both boys bristle.

In a flash, MIKE extends his arm across the table and swipes a square brown mass from PETE’s plate. PETE lurches to his feet, sudden, wrathful.)

PETE
Give that back!

MIKE
NO.

PETE
I’m gonna eat that!

MIKE
Nuh-uh.

(MIKE licks the top of the mass.)

MIKE
You wanna eat it now?

PETE
You’re an asshole jerk face.

MIKE
Whatever.

(PETE sits huffing at MIKE. He looks around the cafeteria ready to get up., An explosion of laughter comes from the gaggle of giggling girls and he gives up turning back around to face his tray. A beat. MIKE reaches over and plops the brown mass back on PETE’s plate.)

MIKE
I don’t want it now.

(PETE lurches up again and stares down at MIKE. MIKE meets his gaze)

MIKE
What? What are you gonna do?

PETE
Asshole. Jerk face.

MIKE
You said that already.

PETE
Ass face.

MIKE
You’re gonna say jerk hole aren’t you?

(PETE sits again. Huffs. The two sit in silence. PETE pokes at the brown square and starts picking off the area MIKE licked)

MIKE
That’s disgusting.

PETE
You’re disgusting.

(A beat. PETE takes a big bite from the brownie. MIKE watches)

MIKE
Fat jerk hole.

(MIKE reaches over to PETE’s plate a second time. PETE throws the brownie down and swats MIKE’s hand away. PETE jumps up and sticks his fingers in each section of food in MIKE’S tray with sudden force)

PETE
You gonna eat that!? (Press) You gonna eat that!? (Press) you gonna eat that!? (Press)

(MIKE leans back as flecks of food land on his shirt. Just as suddenly as he had gotten up, PETE sits, leaving the tray destroyed. PETE is huffing from the exertion, panting under his large frame. MIKE is silent. Pause. A giggle from the girls.)

MIKE
What the crap, man? That was my lunch.

PETE
Quit messin’ with my food.

MIKE
I took a brownie, you sack, you ruined my whole stupid lunch.

PETE
I said to quit messing with my food!

MIKE
THEN DON’T EAT MY SANDWICH!

(A beat.)

PETE
What?

MIKE
DON’T EAT MY SANDWICH!!!

PETE
I didn’t eat your dumbass sandwich.

MIKE
Yuh-huh!

PETE
I didn’t.

MIKE
Mom got that special for me from Quizno’s! I was gonna bring that sandwich to school for lunch today.

PETE
I already ate my sandwich last night…I didn’t eat yours.

MIKE
Yeah, well, I opened up the fridge this morning and only HALF was in there…It had big nasty ass wet bites all in it and the mayonnaise was coming out the sides…

PETE
Mike, I swear to god I didn’t eat your retarded sandwich! (Realizing) I bet Gary ate it.

MIKE
Huh?

PETE
I bet Gary ate it.

MIKE
Gary wasn’t there last night you fat liar.

PETE
I’m serious…I got up to pee and I heard Mom calling him at around one.

MIKE
Be serious.

PETE
I’m totally serious.

(A long beat)

MIKE
Fuckin’ Gary. (Pause) Can I have a bite of your Salisbury steak?

(A long moment. The Girls giggle as lights fade)