Thursday, September 25, 2008

What Aliens Think of Our Party Habits

I don't know about you, but when I go out for a drink or two, I usually throw on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt and meet up with friends at a nearby watering hole. It's probably a dive with Boston on the jukebox and a ripped up pool table with two 9 balls. We haven't been able to smoke in bars in Chicago for a couple of years now, but the lingering odor of old second hand tar coats the air you breathe, mingling with smells of spilled, evaporated beer and urinal cakes. If we're lucky, there's karaoke and some poor bastard has opted to show us his heart by mangling Queensryche. I'll probably have about eight Vodka-and-something drinks. By night's end I will become a different person with my unashamed dance to Bon Jovi...and not "good" Bon Jovi, like Wanted or Livin' on a Prayer. I mean, It's my Life or Have a Nice Day Soccer Mom Bon Jovi. I'll even talk about how great it is that "he's still doing it, right?...making music...Good for him...It IS my life, know what I mean?" The evening will end with a precarious walk home, impulses to make ill-advised phone calls, heavy breathing as I make repeated attempts to unlock the door and a final gasp as I fall on the bed, into the quicksand of a dreamless sleep.

My night out for a drink has never looked a thing like this:

So, first of all, what the F is Disaronno? From my internet research it appears to some sort of almond liqueur but, as many liqueurs do, it looks like Robitussin. I have never tried it and am a little put off my the description of a "warm and sensual taste". Yee. There are many things that are warm and sensual, most of them I do not want in drink form.

I have yet to meet anyone who would call it their drink of choice.

However, this group of BFFs must have hit the jackpot by finding the one sepia toned bar in town that that ONLY sells Disaronno. There are a few unlabeled bottles scattered hither dither, but dang if the whole back shelf isn't lined from stem to stern with the those rectangular decanters. What a find!

And who ARE these people? Is it just me, or do they all possess a strange a-sexual extra-terrestrial innocence? There is the implication of sexuality, with the ice coming to the woman's lips, but the bartender's smile back at her reads like "Oh, neato, you can fit that clear water crystal into your face pocket." If we were to see these people stripped naked, I would be surprised to discover navels, genitals or hair.

And why are they laughing at the end? What is funny to replicants? Nothing. They watched a film strip on social rituals and saw that people bare their teeth and convulse when while experiencing pleasure in groups.

Alien Androids, before coming down to our planet to colonize, are very conscious of blending in, taking on our common social habits. So, they watched Less Than Zero and Bad Influence. This is what they came up with.

Again, the players in this ad don't have a visceral reaction to anything, merely curious observation. The two bartenders do their perfect cocktail dance and serve up two glasses of motor oil. What's this? She takes them both? What's going on? One person only gets one drink at a time! ONE DRINK AT A TIME. THAT'S WHAT THE MOTHERSHIP SAYS. Where is she going with TWO DRINKS?

Oh, wait. There are two females.

In an instance that should, I assume, come across as a guy moment ("Dude, awesome, we BOTH get one.") the two men look at each other and nod. I seriously doubt that either man is thinking of having sex with either woman. Or each other, for that matter. They are thinking, "Oh...she took the other drink for her identical twin. That makes sense."

This is what happens when Base 10 Mechas compute comedic irony.

Finally, moving away from the android aspect:

Lonely? Drink Disaronno by yourself, lick an envelope and send it, empty, to some guy. I don't believe I'm alone in thinking this to be unhealthy behavior. If I got that envelope in the mail, I'd put it in a plastic bag and take to my local precinct.

These commercials don't really make me angry, so much as bewildered. Who are these people selling to? It's certainly not me...or anyone I know. I have yet to encounter a bar or restaurant that stocks Disaronno, let alone displays it in bulk on its shelves. Where are they getting the money to produce these ads?

Must be the European market.

Or unbalanced ladies living in unfurnished garrots with a full bottle and envelopes.

Or Robot Aliens.


Unknown said...

I was waiting for this one...

Erica said...


(looking slyly over my right shoulder)

Can I..............fix you a drink?

(slow, crooked half smile)

(spinning bottle lid)

Just one drink.....and you'll understand these commericals........

(kicking head back and laughing, then looking back over my shoulder)

(the camera pulls back to find me drinking alone with both my cats flanking me while I type on the computer)


NotNits said...

"Oh...she took the other drink for her identical twin. That makes sense."


1) I have used Disaronno to make ice cream.

2) I love the smell of French fries. I do not relish the idea of anyone eating some and sending me an envelope sealed with the resulting spittle.

3) And what do you think of this ad? "Keep muddling! KEEP MUDDLING, DAMN YOU!"

Crazypants said...

Disaronno is my favorite drink.
I wear mocha colored tunics an lipstick.
I also happen to be a figment of your imagination.

-j-j- said...

1) Does Disaronno ice cream taste warm and sensual?

2) Barf.

3) It's not just the muddling...this guy is a fool for wasting such power. Why doesn't he use his magic pestle to make these impossibly attractive people do something besides the twist? Bartenders in liquor ads don't appear capable of big picture thinking.

...and CP, you're not a figment. You are fancy.

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