My Running Inner Monologue

I run about 20 - 22 miles per week*. I usually do this over the course of three runs, between 6-7 miles at a time. Last Sunday I made it to 8 miles...a fact I am extremely proud of as a former smoker and chronic asthmatic.

The first few times I went for a jog, I wished I were dead, my whole body rebelled. The only thoughts buzzing through my skull were "Almost over...almost over...almost over...get to pot hole...get to bus stop...almost over..." I returned home, sweaty, destroyed, looking like the start of a self-improvement montage out of a romantic comedy - somewhere in the background Donna Summer's "Enough is Enough" plays, at first mocking my pathetic attempts and then encouraging me as I head down the road to self actualization.

I listen to a variety of music as I jog around, but I choose it with care. Tempo and power has a tremendous effect on my stamina. Once, I listened to Killswitch Engage's cover of Dio's "Holy Diver" over and over and nearly killed myself. By the end of the run, I stumbled, out of breath, wondering what I could have done wrong. When I finally switched the music to something more reasonable, like "Mystify" by INXS, I figured pumping music that might accompany my escape from 21st Century Zombies (the fast ones), was more a hindrance than a help.

Running helps me get a lot of elective thinking done. I used to believe runners were idiots when they said things like this as I was still in the incubus stages of my own exercise and could not fathom an idea composition beyond "I want to die...I hate this...I hate this..." Now, My brain freely floats and these days, with time at such a premium, jogs are the only opportunity I have to get any day dreaming in.

Below is an approximation of my inner monologue when I run, warts and all. Writing this, is actually more like trying to recapture a dream. Some escapes some lingers, and there's a powerful need to attach some narrative.

My advice is, don't. It's best not to try to make sense of what the mind throws your way when it it left to wander without a leash.


(Starting out with Kanye West's "Stronger")

I don't really feel like doing this now i could just go home if i wanted too but then i'd feel like a big fat quitter and i should probably do this because i don't want my body to start to slow down this song is not at all what i thought it was about i actually prefer the original daft punk version but this one is pretty good i guess i wish i knew more about Kanye West except that he's got a big ego i think maybe he's a big contributor to the evolution of hip-hop i may have to look this up when i get home and see how he viewed by critics who know him better than i do i bet it would be really hilarious if i sang this at a karaoke night or something it would either be great - maybe i would get a gang of people yelling 'go white girl go white girl go!' but in all likelihood i would probably get my ass kicked jesus i'm such a racist sometimes is it racist of me to want to sing a Kanye West song at karaoke? maybe it is i wish i was black i'd be so much cooler if i was black and then i'd have a cultural identity to hang onto beside being white because we have no cultural identity except self-hatred and being complacent because we know we hate ourselves so why change it but isn't is still another sign of my own racism that i fetishize being black a symbol of "cool" rather than trying to understand the black experience as something far more complicated i still want to sing Stronger at a karaoke night i bet it would be really cool if i did it right or maybe if I just did the robot to the daft punk sample that would be pretty cool too I remember watching the sheilds and yarnell robot stuff and it scared the living shit out of me but i wanted to do it so badly it looked like the most badass thing in the world i bet i could do a really good robot if i tried but i'd have to be goaded into it there's no way i would do that kind of thing on my own and would i ever really do it even if goaded? maybe and why are these fucking people taking up the whole side walk don't they see i'm coming towards them move your m'er e'ffen baby carriages out of the way dammit you don't have to take up the whole sidewalk with your baby hummer man they hate me i know they hate me they saw teh anger in my face as I went by oh well they'll never see me again m'er e'ffin m'er effin' I should remember to credit CP with that on my blog it's such a great way of swearing without actually swearing i should remember to do that i think i'll try to run the marathon next year that would be cool i wonder if i could get so in shape that i could actually place too wouldn't that be a coup a woman my age with no previous athletic record placing in a marathon that shit never happens and I'm not sure I want it to it's great when an underdog comes out from behind and all that but what about the people that work so hard and have a skill what was that This American Life about this something about being a jackass i'll have to check that out when I get home

(Music changes to Rodrigo Y Gabriella's "Diablo Rojo")

I want to start taking salsa classes...


Yeah...it's probably for the best that this stuff stays "Inner".

*Not this week though...disease has taken over the family and my body is a prisoner of illness.