"An Involuntary Return to the Point of Departure...

is, without doubt, the most disturbing of all journeys." -Iain Sinclair


At first, Hannah thought maybe it was something she ate.

Opening the refrigerator door last night at around 9:00pm, she encountered two leftover deviled eggs and - not recalling the the fortnight that had passed since placing the deviled eggs on the chilled shelves - she devoured them.

This whole moment was all but forgotten. No immediate reaction had occurred, save the instant satisfaction of eating two "found" deviled eggs. (Deviled Eggs never made their way into Hannah's house, except by way of a holiday or special occasion. She certainly never made them herself, not trusting her own hand to create anything so delicious. Instead, she waited for parties and events, and then begged friends with better culinary instincts to bring their famous deviled eggs to whatever shindig she may be attending. Her enthusiasm was often rewarded and it was her name first called to claim the leftovers. Not only were the Deviled eggs a treat, but they came attached to the warm feelings of cultivated friendship.). Her body did not reject the food, so Hannah went to bed.

The following morning, Hannah awoke to a peculiar twinge in her insides. Not quite nausea, but an unease so general it was difficult to ascertain whether the sensation was physical or mental. She considered the culprit as the Deviled Eggs, but Since she was able to get out of bed, brush her teeth and dress herself with no less than the usual balance, Hannah reckoned that the source of her discomfort must have been the dreams from the previous night (during which her dog - shaved all over except one diamond shaped patch on his back - rejected Hannah for her third grade teacher. Hannah owned no such dog - and may have even said this to herself as "Gerund" trotted off towards Mrs. Caldwell. Still, the loss was intense.).

The day progressed and Hannah assimilated the unease into her routine, like an unconscious clenched fist, and by lunch time she barely noticed it at all.

At 12:04pm, it happened.

Hannah chanced to look up from her work to notice the time was four minutes past noon, and this brought her a tiny delight (The quick passage of time while doing menial mental labor is always a gift.), but even in that second, something was very wrong.

It began with a sagging, deep within, just below the diaphragm. There was a tumbling, a falling inside that spread all the way through her ribcage, up and down - over her back, thighs, shoulders, calves, arms, feet, hands, neck and finally, her head. Her face drooped.

Hannah's shoulders slumped, her neck was no longer able to carry the weight of her head (which was sizable in proportion to her smallish frame) and she wobbled for a second, the balance of her body deciding which way to go. That way was forward and her head crashed just on top of non-ergonomic keyboard attached to the computer. Her ears heard a few bits and pieces fall and tumble off the floor, rattled by her domino lunge onto the desk.

She was still. Was she dead? No. Her brain was still very much alive. From the other side of the cubicle she could still hear Marnie (a woman who wore purple all the time and who, Hannah suspected, made up her own name.) talking on her office phone in a sort of loud whisper.

Hannah grumbled that even with all that stirring, Marie exhibited no curiosity as to Hannah's well being. Or she would have grumbled it, had she any access to motion at the time.

Hannah's consciousness was growing dim. What was this? This absolute silence. It was stark, unliving. Even in the quietest of silences, one hears the rush of blood in the ears or a beating -

At that very instant, when her mind produced for her the thought, however fleeting, of the beating heart, her own cardio muscle lubbed and then dubbed with great labor, and a roar of blood swept through her ears.

And then it stopped.

Hannah, stewed in her own darkness and confusion, wondering for a split second and then returned to the thought of beating heart.

Lub. Dub. Swish. Stop.

Even as she forced her own heart to beat, her brain - at its full conscious function - began to feel fuzzy and weak. She wasn't breathing either and in that last second before the drownage her brain seized upon an image of the lungs expanding with air and then contracting. At that moment:

Gasp. Whoosh.

The heart had stopped again.

Heart beat.

Lub. Dub. Swish. Stop.

Lung Breathe.

Gasp. Whoosh.

Now she was getting somewhere. Hannah focused her brain on her lungs and her heart. Only concentrating on those two.

Heart beat, lung breathe, heart beat, lung breathe.

Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh.

The haze lifted from her brain (still concentrating on those two organs) and she concerned herself with other portions of her body. She could still feel, that was certain. The pain pulsing on her forehead from the blow on the keyboard confirmed it. It was queer the sections of her body, that continued to flop - most notably her scalp and her armpits.

Heart beat, lung breathe, heart beat, lung breathe.

Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh.

Hannah's mouth started to drool. Gross, she thought. Now I - oh...no.

There was the sudden gruesome thought that, if she were drooling out of her mouth...then other areas might also sustain some leakage. She imagined her mouth closing, pursing shut.

Right as she thought it, it happened.

But then her heart stopped. Now she had to think it all together, in one fell swoop.

Heart beat, lung breathe, Mouth close, heart beat, lung breathe, mouth close.

Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut. Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut.

This was hard. Hannah remembered the other potential leaks and her brain tasked itself to squinch up every last area of her lower and midregions.

It worked.

But then her heart stopped again and her lungs contracted. Then her mouth gaped open. Hannah was so furious she couldn't even yelp about it. Trying again.

Heart beat, lung breathe, Mouth close, abdominal crunch, heart beat, lung breathe, mouth close, abdominal crunch.

Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut. Shirp! Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut. Shirp!

The added benefit of her abdominal crunch was that pulled her slightly erect and away from the desk, though her face was still meshed deeply to the keyboard. She wanted to sit up.

And with that, she did. It was an ugly, ungracful sit up - but any port in a storm, she thought.

No sooner had the flash image of rocky seas entered her mind than did, once again, everything stop.

What the-

She righted her brain towards her body:

Heart beat, lung breathe, Mouth close, abdominal crunch, heart beat, lung breathe, mouth close, abdominal crunch aaaand alllleeeeyyoooop!

Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut. Shirp! Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut. Shirp! Yup!

Hannah sat, tottering on her own useless musculature. Marnie was still tisking and tusking on the phone, with not a clue as to what as unfolding on the other side of the wall. Hannah's eyes were still closed, she imagined them open and , at the very least, staring forward. With the most concentration she could muster - she attempted to preempt any failures on the part of her other organs:

Heart beat, lung breathe, Mouth close, abdominal crunch, heart beat, lung breathe, mouth close, abdominal crunch, stayyyuuuup, eyelids open.

Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut. Shirp! Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut. Shirp! Yup! Tink.

The midday sun charging its way through the windows allowed Hannah to see a faint reflection in her sleeping computer screen. In addition to the tiny red squares across her now bruising forehead, Hannah's face had sagged and drooped.

Her stomache growled.

Oh, no. Since the deviled eggs the night before, Hannah had eaten not a thing. She contemplated her reflection and the amount of work it would take to get her to the break room and retrieve her can of Chunky soup.

Heart beat, lung breathe, Mouth close, abdominal crunch, heart beat, lung breathe, mouth close, abdominal crunch, stayyyuuuup, eyelids open.

Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut. Shirp! Lub. Dub. Swish. Gasp. Whoosh. Shut. Shirp! Yup! Tink.

Marnie Popped her styled and sprayed head up over the cubicle.



To be continued...