FAIL.

New Year's resolutions are a curse.

I know why we do it to ourselves. The sense of rebirth into a new year gives us a clean start. The sins of the previous year are washed away by the snowy river of January. We make lists of our change and talk them over at Holiday parties:

Next year, I'm making it to the gym four times a week.
Starting in 2010, I am cutting out caffeine, enTIREly.
I gunna get organized.
Debt free by 2011!

These are all worthy resolutions. The goal to change anything for the better is worthy.

The thing I discovered in 2009, is that any self improvement takes time. I used to make sweeping declarations about my New Year's Resolutions - I will study French for one hour a day! I will read 165 books! But then by February, these resolutions would be tucked away. I'd start out strong, but fumble around week 3. It's that fumble that would stop me from continuing.

I wasn't taking into account the Whole. Sure, I might succeed in transforming one area of my life, but the other areas (habits, schedule, need for time out) will fall by the way side if not supported, and those things will get in the way of larger change I want to make.

A while back I made a colossal alteration in the course of my life. It was terrifying, but necessary. Now that I finally feel more at home in my new skin, there are some other areas left untouched that are in dire need of attention.

Last year, I made this resolution:

1. See more of the world (near and far) and do the best I can to enjoy myself while I'm here.

I did just that. I traveled more for pleasure. Took a class or two, ran a 5k, ate rabbit, tried wines, danced at a swing club, saw the Duchamp Bicycle wheel, rode my bike around Chicago in the middle of the night, saw the sun come up over the lake...and that doesn't even cover a 10th of it.

It was a good year.

I want to keep that going so this year I have two resolutions:

1. See more of the world (near and far), do the best I can to enjoy myself while I'm here, and work on building a future that allows me the freedom to continue.

2. Not to give up if I fail at the change right away. I have to try again.

There are a few things (organizing time, money, fear) that trip me up. I'd rather spend my time planning, organizing, and acting on new habits than fretting in a frantic sea of lost money, time, friendships. I want to pay attention.

I'll probably fumble by the end of January...

If I do, so be it. I'll remake my resolutions at the beginning of February and keep going.