This is the First Day of My Life

One year ago today, I began my blog here.

What. The. Crap. It feels like a week. It feels like ten years.

What to say when milestones like this arrive? How emotional should I get? Should I cry or something? Is anyone else crying (except Lynn. Don't count Lynn. She always cries.)? If someone (besides Lynn) cries, I'll cry too.

12 months and 253 posts later, and I'm still no closer to knowing what the hell is going on. If there is any change in me at all, that the most earth shattering. The fact that I can even say that:

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON."

is a pretty intense admission, even at this late stage.

For years, I told myself that I did. I knew what time it was. What's the score? Ask me and I'll tell you. And I'll say it with such authority that, yes, you will believe me.

I've heard lines of third rate movie dialogue and grocery line psychology to the same effect: Just when you think you know it all, you don't.

Ha! What a load. I KNOW IT ALL. I KNOW HOW IT ENDS.

Boy effing howdy, I don't.

I wept and sputtered through this last year. I learned things I didn't want to know. I walked away from groups and projects that I never thought I would.

It has been great. It has been awful.

But I can still be surprised. For better or worse.

I have been surprised to learn that people I thought were close to me, weren't.

I have been surprised to discover that if a person is not what I want, it is fruitless to try to shape them into something that can never be.

I have been surprised that family and friends would extend their hands to me, and be patient with my bad habits. That they would care for me anyway.

I have been surprised that an old and dear friend can make an extraordinary transformation in the time it takes to brush the hair out of my eyes.

I think a lot of blogs start out as kind of a diary, and this one is no different. It has served as a catalogue of change, week in and week out. I'm going to continue in my "Post most every day" mission - thank you for reading and continuing to read. We'll see what happens next year.

I'll let you know if I figure out what the hell is going on.