Every song is a dick

Music is a major component of the work I do. It is rare to see me on the street or riding the bus without my iPod on.

(God knows the hearing damage I've sustained after nearly 20 years of listening to headphones. For my 13th birthday, I put in a feverish request to my parents for a set of AM/FM radio head phones. I was nearly sick with the anticipation of receiving them and when the day finally arrived and the item was presented - a futuristic silvery grey electronic rectangle accompanied by the ear speakers, padded in attractive orange foam - I wasted not a second in shutting myself my room. I slipped the headphones over my ears and availed myself of the three radio stations we were able to pick up on the mountain.

It is nearly impossible in this day and age of "On Demand Everything" to appreciate the quivering suspense of listening to the radio in the hopes that "West End Girls" would play, or whatever the favorite but rare song was at the time. Hours, and I'm not exaggerating here, upon hours were spent wading through "That's What Friends are For" and "Conga" in the hopes that the one cool local DJ would rock out "Sledgehammer".)

I am at turns a total snob and absolute philistine when it comes to music. Friends who have had the dubious opportunity to listen to my music selection would readily back this up.

One the "hip" end I have: Throw me the Statue, Spoon, The Magnetic Fields, Billy Bragg

On the "music appreciation" end I have: The Beatles, Queen, John Coltraine, Beethoven, Miles Davis, Ella Fitzgerald.

And finally, on the "What the-?!" end I have: 1 Mandy Moore song, That "I Kissed a Girl" Song, Some Christina and Britney, Falco, and a few show tune selections.

This list is only meant to highlight the somewhat arbitrary music choices on my Pod...it in no way expresses the depth and breadth of my guilty pleasures. At this juncture, I'm not prepared to bare my neck so completely to the cyber wolves.

I have an affinity for pretty much all music, whatever the cultural, musical, or artistic signifigance...for better or worse. When music is playing I try to find the story of it - who would listen to Salt-n-Peppa, America, or Timbaland? What is their day like? When do they listen to this or that? Why?

It's how I begin to write and compile ideas.

Lately, though, every song is a dick.

We all know it. If ever there is a time in our lives when something goes awry - a relationship fails, a loved one passes away - every song, regardless of how great it is, or how jaw-droppingly awful, somehow our emotion drenched brains attach an aching poignancy to EVERY WARBLING NOTE OR FOOL LYRIC.

I am shocked and dismayed at the songs that reduce me to tears on a constant basis. And sometimes they don't have anything to do AT ALL with the situation.

Here are a few...don't ask me where I heard them, I don't know. I can assure you that it was quite by accident, wherever it was. None of these songs are on my iPod. I swear to God.



Seriously? Josh Groban makes me want to barf. Even his cameo on "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck" couldn't wash away his singular musk that attracts 45-year-old midewestern mothers of two into his fan base.

But I heard this in Walgreens and got misty in the hair care aisle.



As Robert Downey, Jr. says in Tropic Thunder: "Just because it's a theme song don't mean it's not true."

(Sheepish sigh.) I suppose so.

And, at last, here's this one. If you want to revoke my friendship with you...I understand.



Oh....God.

Someone...drive me out onto the open highway, and let me off by the side of the road and just drive away...don't look back. Just don't look back.