Berserker Rage

Advertising...

(labored sigh)

It makes me tired. I think it makes pretty much everyone tired. Hostile, even.

It makes me hostile. When I see a commercial that hits me in just the right sweet spot of my smoldering fury, it's like trying suppress a cannonball once the fuse is lit.

For instance, there is a television ad running for pressed chicken circles. These lumpy prefab poultry zeroes are (were?) available for purchase at White Castle. The ad features a couple, a somewhat schlubby guy and his sort-of-hot wife, enjoying these chicken circles in their living room. The doorbell rings. Tension as the couple looks at one another...who will answer the door? Which one of them will sacrifice one single instant away from these succulent brown chicken circles? WHO WILL IT BE? Why, the sort-of-hot wife, of course!

Before she exits to the door, she turns and wags her sort-of-hot finger in his face, warning him not to steal any of her CC's. He nods and she leaves.

Now...NATURALLY, as he stews in his puddle of humanity, the buttery/peppery/bready/meatish aroma of the CC's snaps his resolve like a toothpick and he is completely unable to heed her warning. He, shifty grin and all, reaches for the chicken circles. Ack! They are too far away! Does he get up, sneak over to the chicken circles and snatch one for himself? Bah! Too easy and would probably waste too many calories. So what does our man do? He extends the antenna from the cordless landline (huh?) phone and hooks a few of the chicken circles, pulling them over to himself and cramming them into his maw.

(Sweating, swallowing urge to totally freak out)

This commercial is categorized in my mind as "The Douchebag Husband" Scenario...and it sends me into a complete tailspin. I mean, honestly, is this guy TOO LAZY TO EVEN GET UP TO STEAL A COUPLE OF CRAPPY CHICKEN RINGS FROM HIS WIFE THAT HE MUST ENGINEER SOME RUDIMENTARY TOOL IN ORDER TO STUFF MORE FOOD INTO HIS FEEDER HOLE???

AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT SHAME ON YOUR SORT-OF-HOT WIFE FOR ACCEPTING THAT KIND OF IDIOT BEHAVIOUR AS JUST ANOTHER PRICE ONE MUST PAY TO BE MARRIED. AWWW, ISN'T YOUR DOUCHEBAG HUSBAND A-CRAPPIN'-DORABLE?!? IN HIS SCHLUBBY, LAZY, THOUGHTLESS WAY?

But hey...it's just one commercial, right?

No. It's not. This is a scenario that plays out all the time in advertising: The moron husband (or boyfriend) goes to great legnths to preserve his pre-teen notions of marriage and his long suffering hottish wife (or girlfriend).

Part of the reason I have such a hair-trigger beef with advertising is because I hate the world they are trying to sell me. And it's not just because of the women, although that is part of it. I can't stand the idea of a world where the only thing men have to aspire to is sitting in a lazy boy, ordering pizza with buddies, drinkin' a bud light, and watching the game and barely cracking an awareness of the world around him. That kind of blissfully ignorant life would make me want to eat a gun barrel with chicken circles on the end of it.

I know. They are advertisements, after all, not meant to be taken too seriously. I will admit that there are many advertisements that are funny and fresh, and even a little informative about the product they are hocking.

But these images are pervasive. How many times a day do you see the douchebag scenario played out on TV? And how long before that shit seeps into your life and turns you into a douchebag?

Perhaps I will make it a weekly thing...starting now:



I want to make something perfectly clear. What people do in the privacy of their own homes is entirely up to them. I am in favor of people having fun, frisky consentual sex. I must say, though, that based on the back and forth movements here, this is the most vanilla orgy ever. Ain't nobody gettin' off.

And I won't deny the playful nature of this ad....but...

This commercial falls loosely into the category of "A beer is better than a woman". However, in this case, the woman doesn't even rate. She's just a place to put the awesome beer.

Remember girls, before you get too uppity, you are merely a collection of three dick sockets and a cup holder.