Song for a Crappy Tuesday

Tuesday looks at you across the break room table. The two of you are eating, but not together. Tuesday has his usual microwaved burrito, you have your Bowl Appetite you got on sale at Walgreens (along with a New York Times impulse buy). The both of you eat in relative silence. Only the occasional self conscious chew or page turn.

You can sense Tuesday's attentions have turned to the side of your head.

"Hey..." he says.

"Yeah?" You don't look up.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Mm-hm."

"It's kind of weird, but do you ever wake up one day and suddenly go, 'Shit, man, I'm not funny anymore.'?"

You never thought Tuesday was funny. Your eyes dart his way, but your head does not follow. "What are you talking about?"

Tuesday's face softens, he leans in, "You know...like you go around and you say things, but no one laughs...or your brain just hiccups and you can't think of anything...or - I don't know...."

You are terrified to ask the question, but here goes: "Um...are you talking about-" Your eyes glance below the table to your pant-zipper.

Tuesday lets out an explosive laugh. "What? NO. Really? JE-sus. That shit is working like a charm. Little TOO good, if you ask me...Aw, dude, do you have problems like that?"

A sigh escapes your lips. "No. No, Tuesday, I don't." You start to clean up your meal. "So, you're not funny anymore, huh?"

Tuesday makes a sharp return to despondence. "Jeez. Not so loud."

"Look, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe if you just relax and try not to think about it so much..."

Tuesday shakes his head, trying to brush it off. "Yeah...yeah...you're probably right."

You exit the break room and head back to your cubicle. On the way, you pass one of your co-workers.

"Afternoon." She says..

"I wish." You blurt out. She crinkles her brow at you, breezes past. For a split second you are unsure of what just happened. A flash of paranoia strikes you.

Suddenly, you aren't funny anymore.



Have you watched Billy Squier's Rock Me Tonight video, recently? Because, if you haven't, you really should.

The song itself is typical 80's Pop: a dancey, playful invitation to get it on. There is something about Rock Me Tonight that launches it in to the to stratosphere of cringe. The lyrics move from laughable (Guilty of love in the first degree) to downright naughty (Hold tight - you're in for a ride/Can you feel the blood poundin' way down inside).

And then there's the video. Satin sheets, keds, skippy dance moves, ripping his shirt off in favor of a pink and white tank top dealy, then putting on a NECK BANDANA. Never has a grown man made a more bizarre transformation into a 14-year-old girl. This video is the perfect storm of unrestrained adolescent sexuality.

Will a woman please do a cover of this song? If she made the video the exact same way, it would probably be banned for being too explicit.