Should I go buy some cereal? (As answered by the Tarot)

One of the things I left college with, was the ability to read Tarot cards. Sometimes, when I'm faced with a difficult decision, I will turn to the tarot to tell me what to do.

Should I go and buy some cereal?

First, you choose a card that represents you. These often come from the Major Arcana (The cards like "The Magician" or "The Chariot") Or they come from the Face Cards of the Minor Arcana (The suits of Cups, Wands, Pentacles, or Swords.) I choose the Queen of Wands. We sort of look alike. She has a sunflower in her hand.

So let's begin with a basic Celtic Cross spread.

This card represents the atmosphere surrounding the central issue. Six of Wands (Victory), when reversed: Arrogance and dangerous overconfidence as the result of a past success. Impudence and false pride in meaningless achievements. Fear of failure coupled with false hopes. Frustration over indefinite delays and motion without progress.

Meaning: Should I get cereal? I deserve cereal and have gotten cereal with ease in the the past...they should give it to me for FREE. But what if they don't? What if I'm just a pathetic nobody? But what if I meet Barack Obama at Walgreens? Dammit! My pants aren't dry yet!

The card visible at the center of the cross represents the obstacle that stands in your way - it may even be something that sounds good but is not actually to your benefit. Nine of Cups (Happiness), when reversed: Vanity, conceit, and smugness in romance, friendship, or other relationships. Achieving what you always thought you wanted. Overindulging in food, drink, or the pleasures of the flesh. A state of joy and abundance that is shallow and fleeting.

Meaning: You guys are soooo gonna wish you could have some of my cereal. But screw all you. I'm eating it all by myself. Just watch me. YEAAAHHH. Why am I so alone?

The card at the top of the cross represents your goal, or the best you can achieve without a dramatic change of priorities. Nine of Wands (Strength), when reversed: Delayed preparations for an impending trial. Efforts compromised by traitors or saboteurs. The scattering of forces before the conclusive battle is fought. Ill health and faltering of the will.

Meaning: Why aren't my pants Dry yet?! I bet it's that dude from down the hall. I've seen him removing other people's clothes before they are fully dried. I'll show him...I'm put all my clothes in four different driers...HA! He won't know what to think. (Cough) Maybe later when I feel better.


The card at the bottom of the cross represents the foundation on which the situation is based. Two of Cups (Love), when reversed: Instability in romance, friendship, or business. A deep infatuation that excludes existing friends. A false promise or premature commitment. The entanglement of male and female interpreted in the broadest sense. The profaning of the sacred through the introduction of base desire. Folly, depletion, and waste. May suggest conflict, divorce, or a severing of ties.

Meaning: What's going on on Facebook?

The card at the left of the cross represents a passing influence or something to be released. The Devil: Being seduced by the material world and physical pleasures. Lust for and obsession with money and power. Living in fear, domination and bondage. Being caged by an overabundance of luxury. Discretion should be used in personal and business matters.

Meaning: It's cold outside and feels warm in here. If I go buy cereal, that means physical labor. I can just stay here, drink beers and watch movies all day. I can then go to an online casino and gamble for a while after I send some money to that nice Nigerian Dictator.


The card at the right of the cross represents an approaching influence or something to be embraced. Eight of Wands (Swiftness): A sudden release of raw power, cutting through confusion and indecision, and setting things in motion. Rapid progress towards a desired goal, brought about by immediate and decisive action. Boldness and daring in love, business, travel, or spiritual growth.

Meaning: That's it! I don't care if my pants are soaking wet...I can wear them to the Walgreens. No one will care! I am my own person, full of joy and love and high ideals. I don't need approval from anyone but my own self.


The card at the base of the staff represents your role or attitude. Knight of Cups: The essence of water behaving as fire, such as a rushing river: A passionate romantic, full of charm and beauty, but prone to extremes. Forceful idealism blended with gentle kindness. An eager and intense person, forward with their emotions and tender in their support of others.

Meaning: Hey. The dude from down the hall is by the driers. He's smiling at me. What a nice guy.


The card second from the bottom of the staff represents your environment and the people you are interacting with. King of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as air, such as rain clouds in a gray sky: A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.

Meaning: That Jerk. He took all my clothes out and set them in the one of the slop sinks.

The card second from the top of the staff represents your hopes, fears, or an unexpected element that will come into play. Justice, when reversed: Lack of balance, harmony and integrity. The suspension of action until a decision is made. Lawsuits and prosecutions. Unjust decisions and the consequences of those decisions. A turn for the worse in legal matters.

Meaning: This is effing b-shit, man.


The card at the top of the staff represents the ultimate outcome should you continue on this course. Ace of Swords, when reversed: The seed of defeat - perhaps as yet unseen. A challenge met with the invocation of force, leading to disastrous results. Reason and intelligence misdirected or cast aside, resulting in injustice and falsehood. An excessive power abused. May suggest new ideas or information with dangerous implications.


Meaning: I will take all his clothes out of the drier and put them in the dumpster. He he will take my clothes and toss them into the alley. I will call the landlord and get him, his wife, new baby and puppy thrown out of the building. He will get fired from his job because he doesn't have any appropriate clothes to wear to work and then his wife will have to sell drugs to sixth graders.




Final Outcome: I'm not going to buy any cereal. It would turn me into a monster.